Category: Uncategorized

DEAR MAX

I call the “before time” (of course, before March 2023.(and the facial pain mystery had begun). These days are a bit difficult to think about.

I had finally left my ex-boyfriend and had moved into a new apartment for the first time. I moved in at the end of 2020. It was so exciting to have my own space.

The first 3 years were just wonderful. I could do whatever I wanted to.

I could listen to my music freely. and without judgment. I could watch anything I wanted. I could even order a pizza at midnight if I was so inclined.

I would usually wake up at 6 and  put on the coffee. So I could relax and watch my favorite cable news program.

My favorite breakfast was frosted flakes with Skittles. candy.

I adored the company of Max and Maddie (maddie passed in 2022) and I loved chasing max around the apartment.

I had my car then and I.was able to drive and run errands on my own.

In the morning 🌄 I took great care to manage my unique hairstyle.

Even though I did not have facial pain then, I had not been able to work for most of my life. (due to depression and anxiety) so even though I was not going out the door for work. I treasured my new routine.

Since my days weren’t filled with doctors’ appointments or   calls to the insurance company or calls to doctors’ offices, I was free to put on my shorts and tennis shoes and go out for a nice brisk walk on the track that surrounding the apartment.

Sitting on one of the benches afterward, I would relax and watch the birds at the small pond.

Sometimes, I would take the book that I was currently reading 📚 and sit in the sunlight.

When it was dinnertime, I would normally eat a delicious 😋 frozen dinner! I had never learned how to cook so I loved them!

My favorites were spaghetti 🍝  and lasagna 😋  Hopefully for dessert 🍨  there would be cookies! I certainly did love cookies. The best cookies were from Publix deli. My favorites  were M and M, chocolate chip, peanut butter, and sugar!

Today, I would have to think back extremely hard in order to figure out when was the last time I was able to have such delicious food! ( And don’t forget sodas)

I believe that my last sugary birthday cake 🎂  might have been on my 46th birthday 🎂 2 years ago.

This quite simple life with its simple joys is something I certainly do miss.

I try not to think of these days too often 😕  but I am always reminded to enjoy these things and how wonderful life was when I had my health.

Dorothy goes to see a doctor about her illness, and this is what he says to her. He does not believe she is sick.

I Dont know where you doctors lose your humanity,but you lose it, you know if all of you could get very sick and very scared at the beginning of your careers, for a while, you’d probably learn more from that more than anything else. You better start listening to your patients they need to be heard. They need caring, they need compassion, they need attending to.

You know, someday, Dr Bud, your going to be on the other side of the table,and as angry as I am and as angry as I always will be. I still wish you a better doctor than you were to me.

Dorothy Zbornak as played by Bea ARTHUR

Dear Max,

Sadly, these are just simple tasks that most people do and rarely think about, such as standing in front of the mirror every morning and brushing your teeth, i bet folks just dont think much about that as it is a routine chore.

However, I have to (schedule) around my pain to do that simple thing… sometimes the pain is so bad that i just cant do it for that day.. I feel horribly unclean and it has been affecting my teeth.

Also, when folks do routine chores around the house.. such as taking out the trash, or straightening up, making the beds, doing the dishes… its something folks just do..

Some days im not able to get out of bed.. so these simple things dont get done.

And especially if you have a pet.. they become harder to take care of even of it was easy before. And you tend to feel so guilty about it.

Also, having meals, this is just sometjing we must do every day. Theres not much to it. However for me (sometimes) i do not grt to eat all (because most foods affect my pain level (to the point of tears)

Unfortunatly my pain level today is a day i want to cry… but im usually not able to do that either.

Dear Max,

So, I decided that I would make another quick effort to try for some help.  I just  called the Orlando

and Spine Institute. Unfortunately, once again, they do not take my insurance.

Honestly, I expected to get that answer. The receptionist once again told me to call my insurance company.

Sadly, as I have searched for doctors over the years, I have gotten this response many times

Unfortunately, this is what you have to do here in this country. You must first get your insurance company’s approval before you call a doctor. If they say no, then you call another doctor, and so on an so forth.

If they say yes, then you must call your primary care physician and make an appointment with him in order to get a piece of paper called a refferal. If the doctor isn’t able to help then you repeat the process over and over again.

Everytime i get turned down by an insurance company I feel so helpless.

I believe that I need a place that deals with the spine and facial pain. I believe they are all connected

Dear Max,

The pain doctor, I finally found a few months back was misleading. I thought he could do something for facial pain. When I had my first appointment, he did not correct me when i asked. I asked if he injected botox for pain. He answered by saying “who offered you botox” He found out i had spinal stenosis (arthritis in my neck and back).

When he gave me my first injection I still had hope for my face. However, I was highly disappointed.

I received a second steroid injection 💉  (which are painful) about a week ago.

The two injections did absolutely nothing. (They didn’t help my arthritis much either)

There is no cure for arthritis injections are sometimes used but it isn’t a guarantee they will help.

Unfortunately 😔 he was again quite misleading because I hoped so much that he could help my face. So most likely I won’t be back.

Dear.Max

About two months ago, I was in  the emergency room again. This time, i stayed overnight. It  was quite frightening 🫣  being alone in the hospital 🏥

However, I had to gather my inner strength 💪 and fight the fear 😨

Dr. Jason Song “The only pain doctor I have ever been to) had me get an MRI of my brain. My neck and spine and my mouth.

Unfortunately, the previous couple of weeks, I had been in Dr. Songs office when he read the report on my 🧠 brain. The report showed that there was something on my brain called a menginoma. I was terrified 😨 and I  started crying in his office.

Dr. Song offered no sympathy, only telling me to get another Mri. My mother died way back in November of 2000 of an incurable brain tumor. So I panicked 😪 all this and now a possible brain tumor.

I did not want to be rolling around in this bed thinking I had a brain tumor  😫 (you have to go to an outside lab called Simonmed for another scan)  and  Simonmed couldn’t take me for another couple of weeks.  😒

A few days later, I was so weak I decided to try and drink a little bit of ensure for some protein (as of today, June 8th) 

I have had no meat for two years, and I am definitely suffering the effects. Unfortunately, the ensure has 10 percent salt 🧂 so I should have known I shouldn’t drink it. (But It was at a catch-22) 😬

Suddenly, the most excrusing pain came over me after I did so. I grabbed my head and hit the floor in agony. 😪

I had no desire to go to the ER, especially by ambulance, but I had no other way to get there. 😪 because I am horrified and frightened when I have to call an ambulance 🚑

I was afraid 😨 it was this legion on my brain, causing the pain. The pain seemed different.

When I got there, the doctor said that these legions were always non-cancerous. I can’t tell you how relieved I was. 

He wanted me to stay overnight so that we would get another Mri, and then a neurologist would come see me in the morning 🌄

As soon as he left and I tried to explain what type of pain i had, no one knew what I was talking about as usual..

So, I was given medication for migraine and nausea, which only made my pain expanitally worse.😪, so I lay there on the gurney, silently crying to myself with the familiar ice bag I had brought from home 🏡 I felt like I was in the twilight zone

Before I went upstairs, a  technician came into my room to ask me if I had brought any pills 💊 with me.

Unfortunately, I knew that I was going to have to tell a lie about this question 😕  I hesitated for a second, and then I said, “No.” I don’t particularly like to lie, but in this case, it was necessary.

The hospital 🏥  had a rule about this issue, but even so, I had all my psychiatric pills 💊 in my purse. The hospital staff would have taken all the pill bottles and  would have never given them back to me, I could not risk that.

After several hours between wake and sleep and a racing mind, someone came to take me upstairs

When I entered , I sat in my wheelchair ♿️ with my icepack still on my face. I noticed that this was a double room, and I could hear a large family group laughing 😃 and carrying on. I felt a little sad 😔 and a bit lonely 🙁  but I knew like all my other appointments. If I just gathered my courage, I could do this by myself. However, I really missed Max and was worried about him.

As far as I could remember, we had never an entire night away from each other.

TO BE CONTINUED

For four almost four years..I have been desperately trying to handle the cruel 😢 excruciating horrific undiagnosed facial pain. I have sat on this mattress for three years…all day… trying not to cry as I hold the heating pad or ice there..also I beg 😫 god (or whatever).for it to stop.

Things since I have written anything about it..are I still can’t eat..brush my teeth. I am extremely exhausted. I can move or take care of max.

Sometimes I do wish i wasn’t on this earth anymore because all i do id suffer . I have also started having some female problems that has been terrifying so who knows maybe I won’t ve

.and since I last wrote.i went to another sinus doctor (he said it was all tmj)

I went to the dentist three times…. one for my mouth guard. For 400 dollars. Another time for him to test for tmj… and try to fix it.. didn’t work..the last time.. he gave me some muscle relaxers for my jaw.. that solved nothing..so he says he needs to refer me to an oral.surgen

I had to find a primary care doctor which was another appointment not to long ago. For a referral to a pain specialist (that’s how things work in florida) yesterday I went to the pain doctor

He didn’t seem all that confident. But and now for another appointment he wants me to go get x-rays and mris of everything. He gave me no treatment yesterday. All.pain doctors postponed due to pain

Dear Max

I got 300 dollars for my car that I had to  sell to  the scrap yard. The other day, a vehicle that in 2004 I spent 9,000 for. To make it clear, it wasn’t repossessed. The apartment complex thought it was too ugly to sit in there lot, so they told me to either move it (which i couldn’t) or get rid of it. So I was forced to sell it.

I had a 1999 Toyota camry which I have had since around 2004. The car had low milage because it wasn’t driven much by me when it was in California or New Orleans (the ex always drove)

I can’t believe it’s gone. I had to make the decision quickly. It had been sitting in the apartment parking lot for a while.and it actually broke down a while ago. And of course, I am not able to drive (do due my chronic pain issue)

I got a notice from the apartment complex, which gave me only a few days to figure out what to do with it, or they were going to tow it.

I feel nervous without a car even though it would not run, and I can’t drive anyway.

I really do feel that the loss of that car that I’ve had for so many years that basically almost everything has been taken from me.

I could have lost max due to some serious medical issues that have been going on with him for the past few months. Due to this issue that no one can diagnose, I don’t have much more.left  Just a.small apartment. (although a roof over my head is definitely something) However, a car is quite a large item to lose, especially because of pain 😢

Perhaps someday, if I get any better, I should have been allowed to keep it here in the parking lot.

I pay an exorbitant amount of rent to .stay here. But now it’s in the scrap yard. Unfortunately, I feel very nostalgic for it 😢

Dear Max

I faited or had a small seizure last night. It’s happened once before but it was months ago. I shouldn’t be happening at all. As I am not prone to these things. And is certainly terrifying if you are alone in the middle of the night. I felt it coming on.

As soon as I got out of bed. I started to stumble around. I couldn’t think. I felt tingly I felt cold and clammy and I was just staggering towards the bathroom 🚻

I staggered back as best I could and then went to the sink to try and wash my hands. It was then that I blacked out.

I have no idea how long my head was in the sink.. but it must have been a bit because my hair was all wet. I must have not been able to turn the water off.

Barely understanding what had just happened I staggered to the bed and that’s when I felt my bowels release. I thought that quite unusual for a faiting spell

But I had to sleep that way. I just couldn’t move or get up agqin.

I saw my third sinus doctor for this intolerable pain..the other day  

He Told me I didn’t have sinus issues at all, but that I had Tmj. Then he tells me to go to an primary care doctor or my dentist

I had already been to the dentist several times before I saw this doctor

I already have a mouth guard in case it is Tmj

Unfortunately I am absolutely exhausted from the pain as well. The apartment has been getting dirty and I am very ashamed 😔

I am so confused. I tried again for help only again to get the runaround

My 48th birthday is also in a few days

7) it’s my 48th birthday in a few days.. these are my birthday presents

Dear Max,

So I have a short video here… of me in bed and a burn mark on my face due to the heating pad.. I am unfortunately a little hard to understand .. but I list the psychiatristic medicine that I still have to take despite all the other issues….

As for why are oral antibiotics the only solution.. this pain makes it impossible to know if I actually have a sinus infection so this time I am not sure. It seems rare that I actually have a sinus infection but I suppose it’s possible this time. I do have a stuffy nose… but that’s all so that’s why I never know if it’s an infection that’s aggregating the pain…I do however have a Long history of sinus issues…. but after taking so many antibiotics in the past as well as steriods and they never work… I am skeptical…

I suppose I will do what I always do..go to doctor on demand and try to explain the situation.. most likely I will get antibiotics again.. which my chronic constipation won’t even let me take… so it’s not really much of a solution… why aren’t iv antibiotics a solution? If I don’t need antibiotics they can do more harm than good.

Why isn’t there a better solution 🤔 I just don’t understand it?

So the psychiatristic medicine I take is.

Cymbalta 30 mg. Clonapeam 1 and a half mg.. trazadone 200 mg.. Lamictal 150 mg lunesta 2mg

Love 💘 meowmmy

Dear Max,

So this FORCED DIET 😐 which still aggregates this pain is not much…

I’m down to no caffeine, no sugar, as little salt as I can find… there aren’t many products out there.. so

It’s no sugar yogurt

Bananas oranges sugar free cookies one or two empty tortilla shells…one in a while protein shakes (but a lot of salt) for a treat. Peanut butter and sugar free jelly sandwiches that’s about it…. um also no meat at all…it’s to salty… no Italian food.. no fruit with a lot of natural sugar. No soup..

It sucks

Meowmmy

Dear Max,

I seems impossible (unless a facial pain solution is found that I will able to complete my dental implant work.

One of my back teeth towards the front was pulled in August 2023. Basically because I was in terrible tooth pain and was unable to get to an endontist (because I had no medical ride) which would have saved the tooth.

So it was pulled to stop the pain and thousands were put as a down-payment for a future implant. First I payed for the bone graft which was done. I was suppose to come back in December to recieve the actual permanent tooth.

But as the facial pain had gotten worse I am not able to sit in the dentist chair. So I have right now lost thousands and wish the facial pain would just let up so I could get my permanent tooth.. but it hasn’t so I have a hole in my mouth. I guess its lucky that the facial pain only allows me to eat soft foods. But I had having the hole there

Meowmmy

Dear Max.

As we lay in the bed. Me holding the ice bag on my face.. desperately trying to sleep and now not being able to watch TV anymore (it’s groundhog days) there is no day that is different anymore. 😪 now for over a year. I have just eaten some sugar free yogurt which makes the pain worse. And taken more laxatives as I desperately struggle to have any kind of bowel movement ( chronic constipation has also been going on for years) it is the same with this everyday. Holding the heating pad on my stomach trying to get some relief.

I also now have to take one of many psychiatric pills (which) I’ve been taking for years which now cause the chronic pain in my face to again become unbearable. Then I will get some more ice for the ice bag and lay down again.

Perhaps I have an interesting answer. (allergies due to weight and a dusty and not very clean environment for you or for me. (But back in April 2023 one of the many diagnosis he had was allergies but the environment was not mentioned as a possible cause)

You are wheezing on the cat tree at the window. But now after the past two weeks saga of vet’s (someone else had to take you) I cannot anymore. (as well you being as being given unsessary antibiotics again from my incompetence vet)

I desperately had to stramble the other day tonfind someone to take you to the emergency vet) a (horrific day) after your eyes suddenly started to water and I called my regular who said (that is a total emergency) I said a little eye Discharge) ? She says yes I’ve seen cats eyes pop out over that before) stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.. so there was complete panic with me. My God an emergency I have to get him there. (I found a lady to take him and of course (IT WAS NOT AN EMERGENCY)!!!

All that fear was unsessary and so scary

I’m wanting to get it cleaned up.. but feel concerned 😟 about strangers in the house 🏠 when I cannot get out of bed.

As I have just taken my anxiety pill amd what feels like complete blackness as I try to sleep makes me to terrified to let go. It feels as if I am dying everyday 😪

Since I have nothing to do but think for hours and hours I try not to remember how it was before this started… the first couple of chronic pain free years here.. when simple pleasures were abundant.. (such as waking up at 6 am to watch a news program with cups of coffee ☕️ (I cannot drink coffee anymore 😫

Dear Max,

Didn’t want to go by ambulance at all. But the facial pain was so bad I wasn’t going to be able to sit and wait in the lobby.

Doctor didn’t know what exactly is causing the pain either.. I just was making another effort (just hoping for another option) besides having all these new doctors and complicationd referrals and pills Being thrown at me.

She took another CT. Didn’t see much infection but gave me an antibiotic shot anyway. The nurse gave me some morhine and something for the swelling and a perkasrt (which just only took the edge off the pain…

It seemed she did wish she could help. So this is strike four on trying to find an answer.

So instead of this weird rhinologigist in Tampa that the other doctor wanted me to go to. She wanted me to try another ear nose and throat doctor.. the emergency room doctors aren’t to up on whether the doctor is even still around or not. But with another strike down. It’s hard to keep getting the constant runaround and pills and antibiotics thrown at me.

I’m just so tired..

I’m just in so much pain. I will be going in the second year of this. I frankly don’t think it’s ever gonna stop. And if strong pain pills already don’t work??

So. For now we have chronic sinuses. Atipical face pain and the doctor mentioned another trimmic neurolga (I can’t spell it)

Also I still can barely stand and I’m desperate to sleep during the day. I’m just so weak also and noone can tell me why. That’s another large issue with this.

So thats what I did yesterday . Tried something else pointless all im doing is looking for so many doctors to stop my pain. Is that too much to ask? I suppose it is? I thought doctors didn’t want you be in pain and wanted to spend enough time with you to help you. I guess not

I SUPPOSE I WILL KEEP LOOKING..

EVERYTHING THAT HAS BEEN DONE UP TO DECEMBER 8TH 2023…. NEUROLOGIST (GAVE ME SOME HOPE) SAYING IT WAS ATYPICL FACIAL PAIN) OR CHRONIC IDIOPATHIC FACIAL PAIN. WHICH IS NERVE PAIN IN THE FACE… NEUROLOGIST READS SECOND Ct.CT.. drops that diagnosis says he sees sinus issues. Today returned to sinus doctor for third time… reads CT. HE says nothing is serious with sinus. He referred me to a fourth doctor (a rhinologigis) who deals with the nose) but I feel it is nerve pain… and need a doctor desperately or somewhere else to go. This really may never end and I can’t live this way. (Or exist this way)

Update I will not be going to this rhinologigis doctor.. the sinus doctor didn’t care enough to inform me that the doctor is in tampa. About 80 miles away. Not only impossible but i don’t belive worth it. That seems the same as an ent. It seems all these doctors are just trying to pass me off to other doctors because they don’t know what this is.

VIDEO WILL PLAY IF NOT SEEN!

“What this excruciating pain has now caused me as far as complete disability..

I cannot stand for more than 10 or 15 minutes until I start to shake and get dizzy and my head feels like a Ballon and I have to sit down again. I cannot even do simple things that most people take for granted anymore. VIDEO WILL PLAY IF NOT SEEN.!

• 

Deat Maddie: I HAVE A VIDEO FOR YOU ❤❤❤ VIDEO WILL PLAY IF NOT VISABLE

Maddie. It seems like just yesterday I was closing the apartment door 🚪 on your final ride to the vet. I had to stop myself from crying as I said to you “Come on Maddie. It’s time to go to Heaven” 😪

We think of you often. We miss you. 😢 AND I KNOW WE WILL ALL DWELL IN THE HOUSE OF THE LORD FOREVER.

Well Max

My second worst nightmare came true. Last Friday. The one where I needed to figure out somehow to get you to the doctor. The one that whirls around and around in my head all day and everyday. Because I can no longer can drivedrive.

But it’s now been over a week since he got an 100 dollar 💵 antibiotic shot for what was not entirely diagnosed because he peed all over everything before me and the “price gouging” “medical” transportation that I have been having to use got there. So I had to pay for a 400 blood test. But I know he probably had one because he urine smelled foul. I keep the box clean everyday, so I have absolutely no clue how he could have gotten one. It just is another “strange” out of the blue illness that has no basis in understanding.

But now over a week later the constant worrying and Watching him every minute. Looking in his little box all the time. Being concerned that he still isn’t acting like himself. Is making my meger existence just more unbearable.

I actually just am unable to wrap my head around how serious this situation could have been. And actually he was acting strange and I’ll for a few weeks. Thank God (and I really mean it) that I finally noticed the extreme ammonia smell and looked up to find that wasn’t normal. (I actually didn’t know)

The truth of it really I just can’t comprehend because most likely he had the infection for a while and it was turning more and more serious. Urinary tract infections are extremely serious especially in male cats. They can get a blockage and not be able to pee at all (and the truth is if it gets to that point it can be fatal) or they would need immediate emergency surgery tonsave their lives that’s always been a surprise to me (but it’s really true)

Two years ago, Max came close he had a more serious Uti. And that’s when I wasn’t in pain like this and my unreliable neighbor was still here. She was reliable one time and drove us the 40 miles there and back to the emergency vet. If she hadn’t I don’t know what might have occurred

He is still constantly wheezing though. Its horrible for us both. 😢 why does he keep getting SICK? meowmmy thinks ITS QUITE A COICENDENCE.

I feel like I can’t take it anymore, though.

Dear max.

After I payed my task taskrabbit person 50 dollars for a ride to the dentist yesterday. In order to get my implant stitches removed and receive my partial total cost 4000 dollars the dentist told me I needed another root canal so hopefully Monday I can tolerate the head pain and pressure and pay my taskrabbit another 50 to get back to the dentist. I’ll pay 2000 for another root canal.

How will I even eat and take all the pain? And the money. As Jenny says once it’s gone it’s gone I wish she wouldn’t lecture me about it.. does she really think that not a day goes by that I image us being homeless?

So right now I am shaking everywhere I am so weak that I can barely stand up. And recently the head pain and pressure has been so bad that I can barely move at all.. after the last doctor told me again he could do nothing for me.

This is why I’m going bankrupt paying taskrabbit drivers also Wednesday morning the apartment complex towed my car. I came out and it was gone . I was panicked. I didn’t know if it was stolen. Nothing like this has 3ger happened to me b2for3. Luckily I figured out who to call and because I hadn’t put my renewed sticker which I had in the house for a month on the back they towed it.

Thank goodness I had a dentist appointment and my taskrabbit driver came to pick me up otherwise I have no idea how I would have gotten the car back.

It was another 125 to get it out and another 70 to the taskrabbit driver. I have to check my credit card statement tomorrow because the bill is due the 15th. Jenny always reminds me and tells me I’ll be bankrupt at least that’s how I feel. But I love her and Ron they are business people and I understand. They are the only people I truly have. But it aggressive the head pain and pressure when I hear this. Because the bull could be close to 5000 and getting higher.

This is also terrifying. Oh God my head hurts so bad right now I can hardly stand it. Then last two days also with my sedative psychiatrist medicine I’ve been taking mire sedatives to try to remain asleep all day.

Also I still don’t know what is wrong with max after 4 vet appointments and thousands of dollars his last diagnosis was basically allergies. But h3 still weezezys and it terrified me. The only option they gave me was to put him to sleep and see if he has polyps up his nose. I won’t risk that.

Max? I know things can even get worse. Also we have out 15 flea infestation and I’m xover3d in flea bit3s.

I’m really really getting to the point where I can’t stand this anymore. There’s no where to go for the headaches from h3re

I’m scared.

Meowmmy

Dear Max,

As today (thank God) I got lucky enough to find someone on taskmaster to pick up my prescriptions. (because I couldn’t do it) due to the headaches 😫(which are everyday)

I am terrified, (that’s an understatement) I can’t even pick up my own prescriptions)

I’ve been trying as I lay here all day and everyday with ice on my head to think of another situation where it was this bad.

I suppose sometimes I forget 20 or so years ago the debiliting agoraphobia (which caused basically the same situation I am in now. (Drastic horrible things were done to me) because mom was dying and somehow I had to function)

I forget how I couldn’t even step into a store. Could barely drive. Could barely make it out the door. Then at some point it really became a lot like the situation is now. I tried to find medical assistants to get to doctors (I couldnt) I can’t believe it’s still the same 20 years later.

There’s no company that will do it. I also absolutely could not get to any store. I had no food. I tried to call churches to help (but they don’t help you if you are trapped in your house) some churches.

So the ex actually had to order things from walgreens and ship them to me. Even though he lived in California.

He had dumped me and brought me back to Memphis. I begged him to take me back because I was completely debilitated.. thats how I ended up back in California for 12 years. But I did improve and I wish the relationship had ended then

But that’s neither here nor there. I have no idea how I got the cats medical care. I suppose I was lucky enough that they didn’t need it (except that Georgie had diabetes) and had to be at the vet nearly every day. (Perhaps the anxiety was better by then

So now we are back in basically the same situation. (Except due to a medical situation) instead of a mental one) And there really seems no way out this time. I mean I’m really serious. REALLY

But yes being completely helpless has happened before. But there was a way out then. There’s no way out now.

What do i do? Lord have mercy in christ what am I going to do? And I have no answer.

And the pain every single day is just intolerable. It makes me wonder of things.

Meowmmy ❤️

Dear meowmmy

Happy 47th birthday.
Thank you for trying your absolute best, in these past months to find out why I have been wheezing and stuffed up.

As much as you have tried with three vet’s and many diagnosis the cause still hasn’t been found, and I know it hurts your heart to still hear me wheezy.

I also know all the effort and still with no real cause it has been quite stressful, in fact downright terrifying for you, as losing me is your ultimate fear.

(a truly inner horror which you suffer from everyday) (even in your sleep) I wish there was something I could do
I also know and sense that if the need arrised you would give up your life  so that I would.not have to give up. mine.

So I am.so happy that you picked me from that faraway petsmart out of all my siblings those five years ago. You are the best cat mom that any cat could ever have. I love you so much.. happy birthday and congratulations for making it this far.

Max

Dear meowmmy,

As I have died this year. And this will be your first birthday in 16 years without me.

I am always with you and max in spirt perhaps I even know and see what torture you are enduring.. I know yall miss me and I miss you too. I could not have asked for better loving and attentive  care while I was on this earth and at the end.

I know and look forward to when yall will come. Perhaps I do know the day and the hour. (And perhaps that was my spirt that you felt last  September one month before my death) as a comfort for you to revisit

Whether soon or in a little while. (Not to long) I will be waiting with open paws. I will always love each of you very much and I keep you in my heart.

Love maddie.

Dear Max,

So, two days ago, I had to leave you alone again to go back to the Emergency room, for another “acute bout” of my chronic constipation.

Luckily, they weren’t too busy so I only had to stay for three hours as opposed to the 12 hours the other two times.

Of course, before I went I had to look up a pet sitting service to come and take care of you in case they had to keep me due to a bowel blockage (my greatest fear is always what will happen to you if I have to be gone for an extended period of time)

The “treatment” was the same as the last two times, an abdominal scan, to check for an obstruction, then sent home with the most powerful laxative available. Unfortunately I am taking that now, and it has not worked (so I don’t know)

I found out last month, when I was weighed for the first time since the gastrointestinal issues have been occurring that I have gotten down to a dangerous 86 pounds due to my inability to eat.

Luckily, at the emergency room, I saw a nurse who was familiar with my issues as I had been there three times before.

I went for the “standard” third time abdominal scan, but this time when the nurse came back in, she said

“Uh, you know that weight loss you mentioned is quite pronounced” “you are extremely skinny” “we could see it on the scan” “honestly, we could see your bones sticking out”

She asked me if I was able to get anything down, I said, for the past two or more months I’ve only been able to take ensure drinks, soup, small amounts of chicken, tuna and some candy for more calories”

I said, my stomach cramps and hurts and bloats out so much after trying to digest anything that it just isn’t worth the pain.

“Well at least you are taking in some calories she said, but if it continues to be this bad (that’s not good) I said well I am definitely not doing this on purpose

I am as shocked as yall are.

I dream about food everyday..

Well actually since I wrote this story yesterday… the vet wants to put him on another week long antibiotic. I thought he was given a clean bill of health.. but I guess I was wrong. Today is may 25th I believe… this is not cool. I thought all the worrying was over.

Now that I am practically disabled and can barely safely drive due to my dizziness and spinning head and strange headaches we are actually in a situation which I have greatly feared for a long time. It’s quite difficult to get you medical care. and since we have noone to help, nearly impossible to get me medical care. (However I did manage to drive myself to the emergency room not to long ago because I couldn’t take the pain anymore. Of course they did nothing for me except take a CAT SCAN which showed my headaches were not the results of sinuses which I had thought for years. . They then told me to see a neurologist and let me go. Then my new sinus doctor told me he could no longer help me… Awesome…) I did what I could at this point.

Anyway back to the vet I knew even if I killed us both trying to get you there. it absolutely had to be done.

The fiasco of the “emergency vet” “which was pointless much like my emergency room trip” and finally your new vet Kissimmee animal hospital has been quite ridiculous.

The so called “emergency vet” ( inside a petsmart) (enough said) was a complete disaster. On the first visit this incompant woman diagnosed you with an upper respiratory infection. You were then given the incorrect antibiotics for a week. So, I had to take you back for a second visit. I was then told I had to pay 1200 dollars! Yes 1200 for a X-ray. When the xray came back the woman said that you had asthma and gave me some very strong steriods to put you on.

Again, possibly you could have a touch of it, but as soon as I gave you a dose of steriods you began to sneeze. I tried to call them back and ask if this was normal. They never answered the phone. Your new vet told me that if the steriods were going to work they should have worked immediately. So you had more unnecessary medicine and I had more unnecessary expenses.

Obviously when you weren’t any better, I had no choice but to take you somewhere else. So, having to drive you there when I was dizzy and seeing odd flashing lights I could have killed us both. The new doctor (surprise) surprise read your Xray and said it didn’t look like you had asthma at all. (So everything at the other place was basically a waste of time and money) as well as you being on unsessary medicine twice.

The new doctor gave you an antibiotic shot . And then even though I saw the flashing lights and I was dizzy I took you back for a follow up. (Actually the truth is I almost fainted in the office) I was quite terrified….

This is what is happening lately. which makes me completely disabled. But luckily the doctor gave you a clean bill of health.

Even though you still seem to be whezzing a bit, most likely you are okay. Because without you, with my chronic suffering, (that I try for help) three times at the er for two different reasons) A new sinus doctor, now I would need a primary care doctor appointment and then a referral to a neurologist and then some type of pelvic floor dysfunction specialist) (also i have tried pelvic floor therapy but i was doing no good so it was discontinued) i have had stomach mris, cat scans, chest xrays as well as a few months of pelvic floor therapy) its all completely overwhelming) and no doctors so far have been able to find a solution anyway) if only i had one person who could drive me there)

Again without you and my chronic suffering I would have absolutely no reason to be here.