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THERE IS A TRANSLATOR FOR OTHER LANGUAGES AT THE BOTTOM (SCROLL DOWN.

“Sometimes the answer is no”

“Tell me , is it true that God answers all prayers?” Father Mulcahey asks

“Yes,” says Captain Chandler

Captain Chandler answers, “However, sometimes the answer is no”

Quote from M*A*S*H episode entitled

Quo vadis, Captain Chandler, N

Aired on November 7th 1975

Dear Max,

You are not able to cry or scream out when a  situation causes you utter anguish when  living  in an  apartment building  for over two years with neighbors upstairs who could complain about the noise.

Even when you happen upon one of the uplifting yet haunting photos you have ever laid eyes on.😪

Dear Max,

So, we will soon be beginning our third year here at the apartment. Unfortunately, maddie won’t be with us, but I know she is here in spirit ❤️  it’s definitely strange without her though. (as I am 46 and never had only one cat ever since I can remember)

Nothing much has really changed, (of course) over the past two years here. People still stay to themselves, neighbors do not care to speak to neighbors. The upstairs neighbors (of course) are still content with making us miserable with their banging and noise. Most people here in the complex still do not speak a word of English.

Neither do delivery drivers, instacart,, or ubers. It still makes things quite difficult.

Unfortunately, there has been one major change for the worst. The rent has now skyrocked here. When I moved in, I was paying 1400 a month, now, on my first payment of the new year, It seems to have gone up to almost 1600 a month. That is quite frightening.

It is also frustrating, we live in an extremely small apartment. We have an extremely small room, which most likely is about as big as a hotel room.

When I look around, I feel suffocated. Like I am living in a box. Of course there is a small bedroom which had not been used in months and months due to the flea infestation of almost a year.

And one small bathroom.

I imagine this third year here will pass quickly with not much fanfare. Things will most likely not change.

Except for the severity of my chronic medical problems. They are getting worse and worse. That is the only thing that will most likely change.

The apartment of course allows for two pets. Now since Maddie is gone, I have finally have that option of another pet.

When I told my psychatrist this, he asked if I would be doing so, getting another pet. He thought it would be a good idea.

Unfortunately, I told him that I thought right now, that it would be a selfish action to get another pet. As my medical problems worsen, i definitely have concern about taking care of a new animal, even though it definitely does not require much effort.

Also the constant worry of making sure that in an emergency you would get the medical care you need is there. As well as the constant fear that you might pass away.

I told my psychatrist the fears, luckily he said to me that my current decision said a lot about my character, that I would delay any possible happiness a new pet would definitely bring out of concern for the animal. I appreciated that, it is extremely rare that I recieve any type of compliment

So, as we begin our third year here, this time without maddie. Most likely things will remain the same.

But I will always do the best that I can. This is all that I can ask of myself.

I have lost all hope. But even so I wish us peace.

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Dear Max,

(ATTENTION) TRANSLATER AT VERY BOTTOM OF PAGE)

I was definitely concerned about leaving you alone for the 10 hours I was at the emergency room earlier this week, it’s the first time that you have been by yourself this Long since Maddie died.

But it seems you and me both did pretty well.
Well, I didn’t do to well sitting in the emergency room by myself for so Long, but the issue was handled.

This is how things are now,  both you and I have to be totally reliant on ourselves. No matter, how frightening the situation is. In reality how that’s how things have been for a Long Long time. Maddies death just seemed this situation more real, especially for you.

Well, actually for you and me both.

Dear Max,

It’s been a little over two weeks since Maddie died and grieving for her or greving for anyone is something that isn’t able to be done, due to new circumstances in life.  It seems that maddie was never here. Not like she is dead but was just never here. That makes me quite sad, as well as concerned about the possibility of more and more constantly repressed emotions.

Dear Max,

R.I.P MADDIE

May 2006- October 10, 2022

“UNTIL WE MEET AGAIN” “AND I WILL DWELL IN THE HOUSE OF THE LORD FOREVER”

I know you realize something has been different since Monday. When I came home, I brought an empty cat carrier with me.
Yes, maddie has died. (I had no choice but to euthanize her) She had been with me for 16 years, and she has been your only cat companion for around 2 years.

For two years since we left the exs rv and moved into the apartment it has only been the three of us.

Now, it is only the two of us.

Her death was so sudden an uxpected.

It has only been two days since its been just us. I have noticed your extremely clingy behavior .  As you have been sitting In my lap and following me around. .

I have had a very difficult time over these two years keeping yalls food separate. Since she has always had chronic kidney issues and took medicine for hyperthyroidism.

I had just taken her to the vet last Saturday to check her kidney and thyroid levels, as I have done every three months or so for two years.

She had a great checkup actually one of the best she’s ever had. Her kidney levels had actually improved and her thyroid was balanced.

I also thought that she would pass from her chronic kidney failure. I had never ever expected her to have a sudden and completely unexpected stoke.

On Sunday morning around 6am she threw up. I didn’t see that as unusual. But then she began to wobble and had a difficult time standing up.

I thought perhaps she had injesr3d a sliver of one of my pills off the floor.

Of course it was Sunday and I was scared to death to have to take her to the emergency vet, one because it’s over 45 minutes away and two because I barely leave the house and I had to go alone.

Also I was having the worst sinus Inflammation pain I had ever had and I was dizzy and felt I could barely stand up.

I wrestled with the decision of ordered an uber and having to go so far, but I realized something was really wrong.

The uber came around 6 in the morning. Finally arriving at the vet, I was told she wasn’t poisoned (after waiting for the news for almost an hour) that she had :dropped a clot” which I didn’t understand. I wish they had just said she had a stoke.

After waiting for a few more hour’s for 850 dollars of tests to come back (which turned out to be completely unsessary in the end)

I was given several more expensive options. Due to the expense I decided to take her home and wait to take her to her regular vet Monday morning.

I barely got any sleep Sunday as I had gotten up at around 5 am and been at the emergency vet for five hours.

I had to watch her the rest of the night so I barely slept. I had her sedated with her neurotiin most of the day and night. Sometimes she would try amd struggle to get up. She would start stumbling around and banging into things. I had to pick up her water bowl so she literally wouldn’t drown in it. It was one of the most heartbreaking things I’ve seen watching her struggle like that. She seemed to really have no idea where she was. About every 15 to 20 minutes throughout the night, I would look over to see if she was still breathing. I wasn’t sure if she was going to pass on her own, perhaps I hoped that she would so she wouldn’t have to struggle, and that I suppose selfishly that I would be able to grieve privately without being watched by the vet staff during euthanasia. (however knowing that if she passed here it would definitely be quite frightening for me).

The emergency vet asked me if she was blind
I said no she’s not blind. But in truth the stoke was so severe I suppose that it did blind her in one eye almost immediately.

When I took a last photo of her on Monday morning. It clearly showed that one of her eyes had gone dim and had glazed over.

I placed her on the mattress and covered her with my Lion bedspread. 
In her last photo I placed what I call (hopes bear) beside her. It is a tiny bear that I have had for a while. It’s called Hope’s bear because it was what I placed beside my 3 week old foster kitten who I named hope when I knew her end was also near.

I placed.her in her carrier for her final trip. I decided to call an uber (which was a big mistake) I told Max to tell her goodbye once last time. I shut the apartment door and I starting crying, I said let’s go Maddie its.time for you to.go.to heaven

When we finally got to south Orlando animal hospital (after the uber driver who was not fluent in english got lost) the receptionists (especially miss Jane) was quite sympathic most of them had heard of the necessity of her euthanizeation. And most of them were very familiar with her because I had to bring her in all the time for her kidney and thyroid tests.

I decided that I should be with her, because she had been there for me for so many years.

I took hopes bear  out of her carrier, this would be what I held onto as I waited fo her to pass

. Unfortunately It took them quite a Long time to put her to sleep as she had such low blood pressure they had trouble finding a vain. 

I did speak to her before in private, but then since it took a very Long time to put her down I had to hold her paw with the doctors there as we were waiting I told her to go to my mom. That she was waiting.

I told her she would see her brother and the many many of my cats who had gone before her (including my beloved Sydney who passed in 2007) . In front of thr doctors as they had to get more drugs.

I put my hand on her and asked God to recieve her soul Into his heavenly kingdom. (with tears streaming down my face) It took a Long time actually probably 10 to 15 minutes.

As the doctors admittinsterd the third and final drugs. I held her paw and told her that it was time for her to let go. That she needed to go ahead and let go. 

Finally I asked was she gone. And the vet said yes. Again I silently asked Jesus to recieve her soul into heaven and when she died i was not very afraid because I knew she had gone and it was only her body on the table.

She Continued to lay on the table while the assistant went to get some urn options for me which were not many. I told them I would call them back. Oh God I gotta do that tomorrow cause she’s kinda in their freezer. Well her body is in their freezer, so i spoke to her then not to her body but I looked up to heaven and I waved at her.

As was ready to leave I kissed her body on the head , shut her eyes. and told her I loved her. and as to the promise I had made to previous cats told that we would be together again.

This morning,  after hearing the song, somewhat live, the song that I’ve Been repeating over and over In my head for days, to try and bring some peace within my head as well as the combination of a severe sinus infection and so much other chaos I finally relented and cried a little, because I am so exhausted and again in indiscibable sinus pain again even after my procedure back in april.

I was so surprised when you heard me and actually got up from where you were, came over and nuzzled my chin, then you sat on me and relaxed on the blanket.  Perhaps you do understand when humans are sad.

Maddie used to do that to, but now she is old. And can’t do much. When I was very ill back in the day, I would catch her watching me out of the corner of my eye. Sometimes she would even sit on me in the bed, not sleeping and just staring. When I would wake up sweating and shaking  a while later, she would still be in the same place staring, she never slept she only watched over me.

I must say (that when Maddie is gone) (hopefully not soon) that perhaps you be just as comforting and as concerned as she was.

It’s frightening for things to be in turmoil chaos sickness and  complete exhaustion isn’t it?

Meowmmy

I’m sorry that we all had to get upset today I had no idea that steam cleaning a small apartment would be this rough   on us.

And the steam cleaning due to the fleas that that horrible girl with her flea ridden kitten hidden in her backpack   brought in the apartment In 7 months ago

I had no other option but to try this since of course we have no where to go for the three hours it would take to fog the apartment
Sad

I figured you and maddie would just hide as you normally do, I never expected for you to completely panic. These men were here and they could have cared less about you or me.

The floor was wet and you were desperately trying to jump onto the counter, to reach the top of the refrigerator. I was thinking oh my God. Oh my God, I have never seen you go so berserk  and the men basically kept on working. You finally made it up to the other counter and hid in some boxes.

Tears began to drip down my face. And then the men called me outside, to try to push the price up more. While you were terrified

They kept me outside and with no feeling whatsoever for you they wanted to charge more and wanted me to put you two on the porch.

I still had tears in my eyes and I said no I’m not going to pay for this now. even though this already 700.00 steam cleaning for fleas will not be guaranteed.

I said I am crying now, and thinking do you care? Of course these men did not.

Finally I got back inside and found you hiding in the boxes. You were hollering   like I had never heard. I was crying softly I tried to calm you down, terrified you might have a heart attack.

I petted you and in silently prayed asked God to please help you. And then I whispered the 23 rd psalm and the lords prayer for us both.

As my anxiety was now reaching increasingly terrifying heights   I had been moving everything out of the apartment on my own and in the almost 100 degree heat.

Finally after these men left you and maddie calmed down. I didn’t. And still haven’t.

As I have to move everything in by myself later on.

I am sorry to us all and am so glad it is mostly over.

I will be 46 in two days. I will go the store most likely and purchase a regular cake   from the counter. As silly as it will look to the baker I will have them write happy birthday meowmmy in icing from max and maddie