I faited or had a small seizure last night. It’s happened once before but it was months ago. I shouldn’t be happening at all. As I am not prone to these things. And is certainly terrifying if you are alone in the middle of the night. I felt it coming on.
As soon as I got out of bed. I started to stumble around. I couldn’t think. I felt tingly I felt cold and clammy and I was just staggering towards the bathroom 🚻
I staggered back as best I could and then went to the sink to try and wash my hands. It was then that I blacked out.
I have no idea how long my head was in the sink.. but it must have been a bit because my hair was all wet. I must have not been able to turn the water off.
Barely understanding what had just happened I staggered to the bed and that’s when I felt my bowels release. I thought that quite unusual for a faiting spell
But I had to sleep that way. I just couldn’t move or get up agqin.
So I have a short video here… of me in bed and a burn mark on my face due to the heating pad.. I am unfortunately a little hard to understand .. but I list the psychiatristic medicine that I still have to take despite all the other issues….
As for why are oral antibiotics the only solution.. this pain makes it impossible to know if I actually have a sinus infection so this time I am not sure. It seems rare that I actually have a sinus infection but I suppose it’s possible this time. I do have a stuffy nose… but that’s all so that’s why I never know if it’s an infection that’s aggregating the pain…I do however have a Long history of sinus issues…. but after taking so many antibiotics in the past as well as steriods and they never work… I am skeptical…
I suppose I will do what I always do..go to doctor on demand and try to explain the situation.. most likely I will get antibiotics again.. which my chronic constipation won’t even let me take… so it’s not really much of a solution… why aren’t iv antibiotics a solution? If I don’t need antibiotics they can do more harm than good.
Why isn’t there a better solution 🤔 I just don’t understand it?
So the psychiatristic medicine I take is.
Cymbalta 30 mg. Clonapeam 1 and a half mg.. trazadone 200 mg.. Lamictal 150 mg lunesta 2mg
So this FORCED DIET 😐 which still aggregates this pain is not much…
I’m down to no caffeine, no sugar, as little salt as I can find… there aren’t many products out there.. so
It’s no sugar yogurt
Bananas oranges sugar free cookies one or two empty tortilla shells…one in a while protein shakes (but a lot of salt) for a treat. Peanut butter and sugar free jelly sandwiches that’s about it…. um also no meat at all…it’s to salty… no Italian food.. no fruit with a lot of natural sugar. No soup..
I seems impossible (unless a facial pain solution is found that I will able to complete my dental implant work.
One of my back teeth towards the front was pulled in August 2023. Basically because I was in terrible tooth pain and was unable to get to an endontist (because I had no medical ride) which would have saved the tooth.
So it was pulled to stop the pain and thousands were put as a down-payment for a future implant. First I payed for the bone graft which was done. I was suppose to come back in December to recieve the actual permanent tooth.
But as the facial pain had gotten worse I am not able to sit in the dentist chair. So I have right now lost thousands and wish the facial pain would just let up so I could get my permanent tooth.. but it hasn’t so I have a hole in my mouth. I guess its lucky that the facial pain only allows me to eat soft foods. But I had having the hole there
As we lay in the bed. Me holding the ice bag on my face.. desperately trying to sleep and now not being able to watch TV anymore (it’s groundhog days) there is no day that is different anymore. 😪 now for over a year. I have just eaten some sugar free yogurt which makes the pain worse. And taken more laxatives as I desperately struggle to have any kind of bowel movement ( chronic constipation has also been going on for years) it is the same with this everyday. Holding the heating pad on my stomach trying to get some relief.
I also now have to take one of many psychiatric pills (which) I’ve been taking for years which now cause the chronic pain in my face to again become unbearable. Then I will get some more ice for the ice bag and lay down again.
Perhaps I have an interesting answer. (allergies due to weight and a dusty and not very clean environment for you or for me. (But back in April 2023 one of the many diagnosis he had was allergies but the environment was not mentioned as a possible cause)
You are wheezing on the cat tree at the window. But now after the past two weeks saga of vet’s (someone else had to take you) I cannot anymore. (as well you being as being given unsessary antibiotics again from my incompetence vet)
I desperately had to stramble the other day tonfind someone to take you to the emergency vet) a (horrific day) after your eyes suddenly started to water and I called my regular who said (that is a total emergency) I said a little eye Discharge) ? She says yes I’ve seen cats eyes pop out over that before) stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.. so there was complete panic with me. My God an emergency I have to get him there. (I found a lady to take him and of course (IT WAS NOT AN EMERGENCY)!!!
All that fear was unsessary and so scary
I’m wanting to get it cleaned up.. but feel concerned 😟 about strangers in the house 🏠 when I cannot get out of bed.
As I have just taken my anxiety pill amd what feels like complete blackness as I try to sleep makes me to terrified to let go. It feels as if I am dying everyday 😪
Since I have nothing to do but think for hours and hours I try not to remember how it was before this started… the first couple of chronic pain free years here.. when simple pleasures were abundant.. (such as waking up at 6 am to watch a news program with cups of coffee ☕️ (I cannot drink coffee anymore 😫
Didn’t want to go by ambulance at all. But the facial pain was so bad I wasn’t going to be able to sit and wait in the lobby.
Doctor didn’t know what exactly is causing the pain either.. I just was making another effort (just hoping for another option) besides having all these new doctors and complicationd referrals and pills Being thrown at me.
She took another CT. Didn’t see much infection but gave me an antibiotic shot anyway. The nurse gave me some morhine and something for the swelling and a perkasrt (which just only took the edge off the pain…
It seemed she did wish she could help. So this is strike four on trying to find an answer.
So instead of this weird rhinologigist in Tampa that the other doctor wanted me to go to. She wanted me to try another ear nose and throat doctor.. the emergency room doctors aren’t to up on whether the doctor is even still around or not. But with another strike down. It’s hard to keep getting the constant runaround and pills and antibiotics thrown at me.
I’m just so tired..
I’m just in so much pain. I will be going in the second year of this. I frankly don’t think it’s ever gonna stop. And if strong pain pills already don’t work??
So. For now we have chronic sinuses. Atipical face pain and the doctor mentioned another trimmic neurolga (I can’t spell it)
Also I still can barely stand and I’m desperate to sleep during the day. I’m just so weak also and noone can tell me why. That’s another large issue with this.
So thats what I did yesterday . Tried something else pointless all im doing is looking for so many doctors to stop my pain. Is that too much to ask? I suppose it is? I thought doctors didn’t want you be in pain and wanted to spend enough time with you to help you. I guess not
EVERYTHING THAT HAS BEEN DONE UP TO DECEMBER 8TH 2023…. NEUROLOGIST (GAVE ME SOME HOPE) SAYING IT WAS ATYPICL FACIAL PAIN) OR CHRONIC IDIOPATHIC FACIAL PAIN. WHICH IS NERVE PAIN IN THE FACE… NEUROLOGIST READS SECOND Ct.CT.. drops that diagnosis says he sees sinus issues. Today returned to sinus doctor for third time… reads CT. HE says nothing is serious with sinus. He referred me to a fourth doctor (a rhinologigis) who deals with the nose) but I feel it is nerve pain… and need a doctor desperately or somewhere else to go. This really may never end and I can’t live this way. (Or exist this way)
Update I will not be going to this rhinologigis doctor.. the sinus doctor didn’t care enough to inform me that the doctor is in tampa. About 80 miles away. Not only impossible but i don’t belive worth it. That seems the same as an ent. It seems all these doctors are just trying to pass me off to other doctors because they don’t know what this is.
VIDEO WILL PLAY IF NOT SEEN!
“What this excruciating pain has now caused me as far as complete disability..
I cannot stand for more than 10 or 15 minutes until I start to shake and get dizzy and my head feels like a Ballon and I have to sit down again. I cannot even do simple things that most people take for granted anymore. VIDEO WILL PLAY IF NOT SEEN.!
Deat Maddie: I HAVE A VIDEO FOR YOU ❤❤❤ VIDEO WILL PLAY IF NOT VISABLE
Maddie. It seems like just yesterday I was closing the apartment door 🚪 on your final ride to the vet. I had to stop myself from crying as I said to you “Come on Maddie. It’s time to go to Heaven” 😪
We think of you often. We miss you. 😢 AND I KNOW WE WILL ALL DWELL IN THE HOUSE OF THE LORD FOREVER.
My second worst nightmare came true. Last Friday. The one where I needed to figure out somehow to get you to the doctor. The one that whirls around and around in my head all day and everyday. Because I can no longer can drivedrive.
But it’s now been over a week since he got an 100 dollar 💵 antibiotic shot for what was not entirely diagnosed because he peed all over everything before me and the “price gouging” “medical” transportation that I have been having to use got there. So I had to pay for a 400 blood test. But I know he probably had one because he urine smelled foul. I keep the box clean everyday, so I have absolutely no clue how he could have gotten one. It just is another “strange” out of the blue illness that has no basis in understanding.
But now over a week later the constant worrying and Watching him every minute. Looking in his little box all the time. Being concerned that he still isn’t acting like himself. Is making my meger existence just more unbearable.
I actually just am unable to wrap my head around how serious this situation could have been. And actually he was acting strange and I’ll for a few weeks. Thank God (and I really mean it) that I finally noticed the extreme ammonia smell and looked up to find that wasn’t normal. (I actually didn’t know)
The truth of it really I just can’t comprehend because most likely he had the infection for a while and it was turning more and more serious. Urinary tract infections are extremely serious especially in male cats. They can get a blockage and not be able to pee at all (and the truth is if it gets to that point it can be fatal) or they would need immediate emergency surgery tonsave their lives that’s always been a surprise to me (but it’s really true)
Two years ago, Max came close he had a more serious Uti. And that’s when I wasn’t in pain like this and my unreliable neighbor was still here. She was reliable one time and drove us the 40 miles there and back to the emergency vet. If she hadn’t I don’t know what might have occurred
He is still constantly wheezing though. Its horrible for us both. 😢 why does he keep getting SICK? meowmmy thinks ITS QUITE A COICENDENCE.
After I payed my task taskrabbit person 50 dollars for a ride to the dentist yesterday. In order to get my implant stitches removed and receive my partial total cost 4000 dollars the dentist told me I needed another root canal so hopefully Monday I can tolerate the head pain and pressure and pay my taskrabbit another 50 to get back to the dentist. I’ll pay 2000 for another root canal.
How will I even eat and take all the pain? And the money. As Jenny says once it’s gone it’s gone I wish she wouldn’t lecture me about it.. does she really think that not a day goes by that I image us being homeless?
So right now I am shaking everywhere I am so weak that I can barely stand up. And recently the head pain and pressure has been so bad that I can barely move at all.. after the last doctor told me again he could do nothing for me.
This is why I’m going bankrupt paying taskrabbit drivers also Wednesday morning the apartment complex towed my car. I came out and it was gone . I was panicked. I didn’t know if it was stolen. Nothing like this has 3ger happened to me b2for3. Luckily I figured out who to call and because I hadn’t put my renewed sticker which I had in the house for a month on the back they towed it.
Thank goodness I had a dentist appointment and my taskrabbit driver came to pick me up otherwise I have no idea how I would have gotten the car back.
It was another 125 to get it out and another 70 to the taskrabbit driver. I have to check my credit card statement tomorrow because the bill is due the 15th. Jenny always reminds me and tells me I’ll be bankrupt at least that’s how I feel. But I love her and Ron they are business people and I understand. They are the only people I truly have. But it aggressive the head pain and pressure when I hear this. Because the bull could be close to 5000 and getting higher.
This is also terrifying. Oh God my head hurts so bad right now I can hardly stand it. Then last two days also with my sedative psychiatrist medicine I’ve been taking mire sedatives to try to remain asleep all day.
Also I still don’t know what is wrong with max after 4 vet appointments and thousands of dollars his last diagnosis was basically allergies. But h3 still weezezys and it terrified me. The only option they gave me was to put him to sleep and see if he has polyps up his nose. I won’t risk that.
Max? I know things can even get worse. Also we have out 15 flea infestation and I’m xover3d in flea bit3s.
I’m really really getting to the point where I can’t stand this anymore. There’s no where to go for the headaches from h3re
(Video should play IF doesn’t appear) (what journal entry is about. Not quite finished with entry) (SAD)
Dear Max,
All hope was lost on Wednesdays (after months of trying to get to a neurologist for these “headaches” I finally made it to one. I defiently didnt think the issue would be at all resoveled (but i prayed that the doctor could just solve the problem wnough so that I could at least drive again and run errands (so I wouldn’t still be completely and totally helpless) (and Maybe lessen the severe pain and severe pressure that I go through every day). At this point I’m actually concerned that I’ll have to go live at some nursing care facility because I don’t have any help. Used to.seem.like.a.extreme and unrealistic worry for a.47 year old with “headaches” and severe head pressure but now I don’t know) All I need is just one friend to help but since I don’t have one one friend (amazing how one tiny thing could keep you out of an extreme situation.
Since I am completely unable to drive or even able to take ubers because I feel so strange and weird and dizzy with this also. (No offense) but most uber drivers only speak Spanish around here. (So I would not even be able to ask for help in case of a n incident.
This has left me no option but to begin paying exorbitant prices for “medical transportation” I have used them two times at this point. To get to the dentist to have my tooth ripped out of my mouth (I didn’t an any way want to do so) but I kept missing endodontist appointments to save the tooth.
I payed them 115 dollars to carry me two miles to the dentist. (The guy is supposed to have some type of medical training) but im not sure that he really has) They have me by the balls and they know that) they can charge whatever they want. Now I have a hole in the third upper tooth. which in 3 to 6 months will be replaced by a dental implant. But it means basically soft foods for that length of time. I also payed them over 200 dollars to get to the neurologist which was 30 miles away. So that’s already 300 or more. I will also have to pay them again to get back to the dentist to have my stitches removed another 115 dollars. Could I end up going bankrupt?.
So another unsympathetic and uncaring doctor who was my only salvation after two sinus doctors, two trips to the emergency room and Cat scans. This doctor was my only salvation.
This is what he said,
I had written cat scan results, actually said since he saw the cat scan results were normal. He rudely suggested that I did not have a neurology issue at all. (When i had been told by two sinus scan was normal all this is not even a neurologist problem either. He says I deal with problems of the brain. With what you described your symptoms are not a brain problem. They are a facial muscle problem. Here are some muscle relaxers. Now you can leave. My suggestion get a primary care doctor and talk to your psychatist. … thats all I can do for you ms. Patterson… BYE!
So one of the last hope leaving me with no diagnosis and because of that I have clue what even other type of doctor to try.
And things are getting worse and worse. But I expected it. Because most doctors have absolutely no humanity or empathy anymore. They will not help you did into the problem further or even tell you what to try next..
As today (thank God) I got lucky enough to find someone on taskmaster to pick up my prescriptions. (because I couldn’t do it) due to the headaches 😫(which are everyday)
I am terrified, (that’s an understatement) I can’t even pick up my own prescriptions)
I’ve been trying as I lay here all day and everyday with ice on my head to think of another situation where it was this bad.
I suppose sometimes I forget 20 or so years ago the debiliting agoraphobia (which caused basically the same situation I am in now. (Drastic horrible things were done to me) because mom was dying and somehow I had to function)
I forget how I couldn’t even step into a store. Could barely drive. Could barely make it out the door. Then at some point it really became a lot like the situation is now. I tried to find medical assistants to get to doctors (I couldnt) I can’t believe it’s still the same 20 years later.
There’s no company that will do it. I also absolutely could not get to any store. I had no food. I tried to call churches to help (but they don’t help you if you are trapped in your house) some churches.
So the ex actually had to order things from walgreens and ship them to me. Even though he lived in California.
He had dumped me and brought me back to Memphis. I begged him to take me back because I was completely debilitated.. thats how I ended up back in California for 12 years. But I did improve and I wish the relationship had ended then
But that’s neither here nor there. I have no idea how I got the cats medical care. I suppose I was lucky enough that they didn’t need it (except that Georgie had diabetes) and had to be at the vet nearly every day. (Perhaps the anxiety was better by then
So now we are back in basically the same situation. (Except due to a medical situation) instead of a mental one) And there really seems no way out this time. I mean I’m really serious. REALLY
But yes being completely helpless has happened before. But there was a way out then. There’s no way out now.
What do i do? Lord have mercy in christ what am I going to do? And I have no answer.
And the pain every single day is just intolerable. It makes me wonder of things.
Max (currently 5) and Maddie (may 2006-october 10, 2022)
Dear meowmmy
Happy 47th birthday. Thank you for trying your absolute best, in these past months to find out why I have been wheezing and stuffed up.
As much as you have tried with three vet’s and many diagnosis the cause still hasn’t been found, and I know it hurts your heart to still hear me wheezy.
I also know all the effort and still with no real cause it has been quite stressful, in fact downright terrifying for you, as losing me is your ultimate fear.
(a truly inner horror which you suffer from everyday) (even in your sleep) I wish there was something I could do I also know and sense that if the need arrised you would give up your life so that I would.not have to give up. mine.
So I am.so happy that you picked me from that faraway petsmart out of all my siblings those five years ago. You are the best cat mom that any cat could ever have. I love you so much.. happy birthday and congratulations for making it this far.
Max
Dear meowmmy,
As I have died this year. And this will be your first birthday in 16 years without me.
I am always with you and max in spirt perhaps I even know and see what torture you are enduring.. I know yall miss me and I miss you too. I could not have asked for better loving and attentive care while I was on this earth and at the end.
I know and look forward to when yall will come. Perhaps I do know the day and the hour. (And perhaps that was my spirt that you felt last September one month before my death) as a comfort for you to revisit
Whether soon or in a little while. (Not to long) I will be waiting with open paws. I will always love each of you very much and I keep you in my heart.
So, two days ago, I had to leave you alone again to go back to the Emergency room, for another “acute bout” of my chronic constipation.
Luckily, they weren’t too busy so I only had to stay for three hours as opposed to the 12 hours the other two times.
Of course, before I went I had to look up a pet sitting service to come and take care of you in case they had to keep me due to a bowel blockage (my greatest fear is always what will happen to you if I have to be gone for an extended period of time)
The “treatment” was the same as the last two times, an abdominal scan, to check for an obstruction, then sent home with the most powerful laxative available. Unfortunately I am taking that now, and it has not worked (so I don’t know)
I found out last month, when I was weighed for the first time since the gastrointestinal issues have been occurring that I have gotten down to a dangerous 86 pounds due to my inability to eat.
Luckily, at the emergency room, I saw a nurse who was familiar with my issues as I had been there three times before.
I went for the “standard” third time abdominal scan, but this time when the nurse came back in, she said
“Uh, you know that weight loss you mentioned is quite pronounced” “you are extremely skinny” “we could see it on the scan” “honestly, we could see your bones sticking out”
She asked me if I was able to get anything down, I said, for the past two or more months I’ve only been able to take ensure drinks, soup, small amounts of chicken, tuna and some candy for more calories”
I said, my stomach cramps and hurts and bloats out so much after trying to digest anything that it just isn’t worth the pain.
“Well at least you are taking in some calories she said, but if it continues to be this bad (that’s not good) I said well I am definitely not doing this on purpose
Well actually since I wrote this story yesterday… the vet wants to put him on another week long antibiotic. I thought he was given a clean bill of health.. but I guess I was wrong. Today is may 25th I believe… this is not cool. I thought all the worrying was over.
Now that I am practically disabled and can barely safely drive due to my dizziness and spinning head and strange headaches we are actually in a situation which I have greatly feared for a long time. It’s quite difficult to get you medical care. and since we have noone to help, nearly impossible to get me medical care. (However I did manage to drive myself to the emergency room not to long ago because I couldn’t take the pain anymore. Of course they did nothing for me except take a CAT SCAN which showed my headaches were not the results of sinuses which I had thought for years. . They then told me to see a neurologist and let me go. Then my new sinus doctor told me he could no longer help me… Awesome…) I did what I could at this point.
Anyway back to the vet I knew even if I killed us both trying to get you there. it absolutely had to be done.
The fiasco of the “emergency vet” “which was pointless much like my emergency room trip” and finally your new vet Kissimmee animal hospital has been quite ridiculous.
The so called “emergency vet” ( inside a petsmart) (enough said) was a complete disaster. On the first visit this incompant woman diagnosed you with an upper respiratory infection. You were then given the incorrect antibiotics for a week. So, I had to take you back for a second visit. I was then told I had to pay 1200 dollars! Yes 1200 for a X-ray. When the xray came back the woman said that you had asthma and gave me some very strong steriods to put you on.
Again, possibly you could have a touch of it, but as soon as I gave you a dose of steriods you began to sneeze. I tried to call them back and ask if this was normal. They never answered the phone. Your new vet told me that if the steriods were going to work they should have worked immediately. So you had more unnecessary medicine and I had more unnecessary expenses.
Obviously when you weren’t any better, I had no choice but to take you somewhere else. So, having to drive you there when I was dizzy and seeing odd flashing lights I could have killed us both. The new doctor (surprise) surprise read your Xray and said it didn’t look like you had asthma at all. (So everything at the other place was basically a waste of time and money) as well as you being on unsessary medicine twice.
The new doctor gave you an antibiotic shot . And then even though I saw the flashing lights and I was dizzy I took you back for a follow up. (Actually the truth is I almost fainted in the office) I was quite terrified….
This is what is happening lately. which makes me completely disabled. But luckily the doctor gave you a clean bill of health.
Even though you still seem to be whezzing a bit, most likely you are okay. Because without you, with my chronic suffering, (that I try for help) three times at the er for two different reasons) A new sinus doctor, now I would need a primary care doctor appointment and then a referral to a neurologist and then some type of pelvic floor dysfunction specialist) (also i have tried pelvic floor therapy but i was doing no good so it was discontinued) i have had stomach mris, cat scans, chest xrays as well as a few months of pelvic floor therapy) its all completely overwhelming) and no doctors so far have been able to find a solution anyway) if only i had one person who could drive me there)
Again without you and my chronic suffering I would have absolutely no reason to be here.
Marine Sergeant frank Praytor feeds a 2-week-old kitten named miss hap after her mother had been killed during a mortar attack in korea
You are not able to cry or scream out when a situation causes you utter anguish when living in an apartment building for over two years with neighbors upstairs who could complain about the noise.
Even when you happen upon one of the uplifting yet haunting photos you have ever laid eyes on.😪
So, we will soon be beginning our third year here at the apartment. Unfortunately, maddie won’t be with us, but I know she is here in spirit ❤️ it’s definitely strange without her though. (as I am 46 and never had only one cat ever since I can remember)
Nothing much has really changed, (of course) over the past two years here. People still stay to themselves, neighbors do not care to speak to neighbors. The upstairs neighbors (of course) are still content with making us miserable with their banging and noise. Most people here in the complex still do not speak a word of English.
Neither do delivery drivers, instacart,, or ubers. It still makes things quite difficult.
Unfortunately, there has been one major change for the worst. The rent has now skyrocked here. When I moved in, I was paying 1400 a month, now, on my first payment of the new year, It seems to have gone up to almost 1600 a month. That is quite frightening.
It is also frustrating, we live in an extremely small apartment. We have an extremely small room, which most likely is about as big as a hotel room.
When I look around, I feel suffocated. Like I am living in a box. Of course there is a small bedroom which had not been used in months and months due to the flea infestation of almost a year.
And one small bathroom.
I imagine this third year here will pass quickly with not much fanfare. Things will most likely not change.
Except for the severity of my chronic medical problems. They are getting worse and worse. That is the only thing that will most likely change.
The apartment of course allows for two pets. Now since Maddie is gone, I have finally have that option of another pet.
When I told my psychatrist this, he asked if I would be doing so, getting another pet. He thought it would be a good idea.
Unfortunately, I told him that I thought right now, that it would be a selfish action to get another pet. As my medical problems worsen, i definitely have concern about taking care of a new animal, even though it definitely does not require much effort.
Also the constant worry of making sure that in an emergency you would get the medical care you need is there. As well as the constant fear that you might pass away.
I told my psychatrist the fears, luckily he said to me that my current decision said a lot about my character, that I would delay any possible happiness a new pet would definitely bring out of concern for the animal. I appreciated that, it is extremely rare that I recieve any type of compliment
So, as we begin our third year here, this time without maddie. Most likely things will remain the same.
But I will always do the best that I can. This is all that I can ask of myself.
I have lost all hope. But even so I wish us peace.
I was definitely concerned about leaving you alone for the 10 hours I was at the emergency room earlier this week, it’s the first time that you have been by yourself this Long since Maddie died.
But it seems you and me both did pretty well. Well, I didn’t do to well sitting in the emergency room by myself for so Long, but the issue was handled.
This is how things are now, both you and I have to be totally reliant on ourselves. No matter, how frightening the situation is. In reality how that’s how things have been for a Long Long time. Maddies death just seemed this situation more real, especially for you.
It’s been a little over two weeks since Maddie died and grieving for her or greving for anyone is something that isn’t able to be done, due to new circumstances in life. It seems that maddie was never here. Not like she is dead but was just never here. That makes me quite sad, as well as concerned about the possibility of more and more constantly repressed emotions.
“UNTIL WE MEET AGAIN” “AND I WILL DWELL IN THE HOUSE OF THE LORD FOREVER”
I know you realize something has been different since Monday. When I came home, I brought an empty cat carrier with me. Yes, maddie has died. (I had no choice but to euthanize her) She had been with me for 16 years, and she has been your only cat companion for around 2 years.
For two years since we left the exs rv and moved into the apartment it has only been the three of us.
Now, it is only the two of us.
Her death was so sudden an uxpected.
It has only been two days since its been just us. I have noticed your extremely clingy behavior . As you have been sitting In my lap and following me around. .
I have had a very difficult time over these two years keeping yalls food separate. Since she has always had chronic kidney issues and took medicine for hyperthyroidism.
I had just taken her to the vet last Saturday to check her kidney and thyroid levels, as I have done every three months or so for two years.
She had a great checkup actually one of the best she’s ever had. Her kidney levels had actually improved and her thyroid was balanced.
I also thought that she would pass from her chronic kidney failure. I had never ever expected her to have a sudden and completely unexpected stoke.
On Sunday morning around 6am she threw up. I didn’t see that as unusual. But then she began to wobble and had a difficult time standing up.
I thought perhaps she had injesr3d a sliver of one of my pills off the floor.
Of course it was Sunday and I was scared to death to have to take her to the emergency vet, one because it’s over 45 minutes away and two because I barely leave the house and I had to go alone.
Also I was having the worst sinus Inflammation pain I had ever had and I was dizzy and felt I could barely stand up.
I wrestled with the decision of ordered an uber and having to go so far, but I realized something was really wrong.
The uber came around 6 in the morning. Finally arriving at the vet, I was told she wasn’t poisoned (after waiting for the news for almost an hour) that she had :dropped a clot” which I didn’t understand. I wish they had just said she had a stoke.
After waiting for a few more hour’s for 850 dollars of tests to come back (which turned out to be completely unsessary in the end)
I was given several more expensive options. Due to the expense I decided to take her home and wait to take her to her regular vet Monday morning.
I barely got any sleep Sunday as I had gotten up at around 5 am and been at the emergency vet for five hours.
I had to watch her the rest of the night so I barely slept. I had her sedated with her neurotiin most of the day and night. Sometimes she would try amd struggle to get up. She would start stumbling around and banging into things. I had to pick up her water bowl so she literally wouldn’t drown in it. It was one of the most heartbreaking things I’ve seen watching her struggle like that. She seemed to really have no idea where she was. About every 15 to 20 minutes throughout the night, I would look over to see if she was still breathing. I wasn’t sure if she was going to pass on her own, perhaps I hoped that she would so she wouldn’t have to struggle, and that I suppose selfishly that I would be able to grieve privately without being watched by the vet staff during euthanasia. (however knowing that if she passed here it would definitely be quite frightening for me).
The emergency vet asked me if she was blind I said no she’s not blind. But in truth the stoke was so severe I suppose that it did blind her in one eye almost immediately.
When I took a last photo of her on Monday morning. It clearly showed that one of her eyes had gone dim and had glazed over.
I placed her on the mattress and covered her with my Lion bedspread. In her last photo I placed what I call (hopes bear) beside her. It is a tiny bear that I have had for a while. It’s called Hope’s bear because it was what I placed beside my 3 week old foster kitten who I named hope when I knew her end was also near.
I placed.her in her carrier for her final trip. I decided to call an uber (which was a big mistake) I told Max to tell her goodbye once last time. I shut the apartment door and I starting crying, I said let’s go Maddie its.time for you to.go.to heaven
When we finally got to south Orlando animal hospital (after the uber driver who was not fluent in english got lost) the receptionists (especially miss Jane) was quite sympathic most of them had heard of the necessity of her euthanizeation. And most of them were very familiar with her because I had to bring her in all the time for her kidney and thyroid tests.
I decided that I should be with her, because she had been there for me for so many years.
I took hopes bear out of her carrier, this would be what I held onto as I waited fo her to pass
. Unfortunately It took them quite a Long time to put her to sleep as she had such low blood pressure they had trouble finding a vain.
I did speak to her before in private, but then since it took a very Long time to put her down I had to hold her paw with the doctors there as we were waiting I told her to go to my mom. That she was waiting.
I told her she would see her brother and the many many of my cats who had gone before her (including my beloved Sydney who passed in 2007) . In front of thr doctors as they had to get more drugs.
I put my hand on her and asked God to recieve her soul Into his heavenly kingdom. (with tears streaming down my face) It took a Long time actually probably 10 to 15 minutes.
As the doctors admittinsterd the third and final drugs. I held her paw and told her that it was time for her to let go. That she needed to go ahead and let go.
Finally I asked was she gone. And the vet said yes. Again I silently asked Jesus to recieve her soul into heaven and when she died i was not very afraid because I knew she had gone and it was only her body on the table.
She Continued to lay on the table while the assistant went to get some urn options for me which were not many. I told them I would call them back. Oh God I gotta do that tomorrow cause she’s kinda in their freezer. Well her body is in their freezer, so i spoke to her then not to her body but I looked up to heaven and I waved at her.
As was ready to leave I kissed her body on the head , shut her eyes. and told her I loved her. and as to the promise I had made to previous cats told that we would be together again.
This morning, after hearing the song, somewhat live, the song that I’ve Been repeating over and over In my head for days, to try and bring some peace within my head as well as the combination of a severe sinus infection and so much other chaos I finally relented and cried a little, because I am so exhausted and again in indiscibable sinus pain again even after my procedure back in april.
I was so surprised when you heard me and actually got up from where you were, came over and nuzzled my chin, then you sat on me and relaxed on the blanket. Perhaps you do understand when humans are sad.
Maddie used to do that to, but now she is old. And can’t do much. When I was very ill back in the day, I would catch her watching me out of the corner of my eye. Sometimes she would even sit on me in the bed, not sleeping and just staring. When I would wake up sweating and shaking a while later, she would still be in the same place staring, she never slept she only watched over me.
I must say (that when Maddie is gone) (hopefully not soon) that perhaps you be just as comforting and as concerned as she was.
It’s frightening for things to be in turmoil chaos sickness and complete exhaustion isn’t it?
I’m sorry that we all had to get upset today I had no idea that steam cleaning a small apartment would be this rough on us.
And the steam cleaning due to the fleas that that horrible girl with her flea ridden kitten hidden in her backpack brought in the apartment In 7 months ago
I had no other option but to try this since of course we have no where to go for the three hours it would take to fog the apartment Sad
I figured you and maddie would just hide as you normally do, I never expected for you to completely panic. These men were here and they could have cared less about you or me.
The floor was wet and you were desperately trying to jump onto the counter, to reach the top of the refrigerator. I was thinking oh my God. Oh my God, I have never seen you go so berserk and the men basically kept on working. You finally made it up to the other counter and hid in some boxes.
Tears began to drip down my face. And then the men called me outside, to try to push the price up more. While you were terrified
They kept me outside and with no feeling whatsoever for you they wanted to charge more and wanted me to put you two on the porch.
I still had tears in my eyes and I said no I’m not going to pay for this now. even though this already 700.00 steam cleaning for fleas will not be guaranteed.
I said I am crying now, and thinking do you care? Of course these men did not.
Finally I got back inside and found you hiding in the boxes. You were hollering like I had never heard. I was crying softly I tried to calm you down, terrified you might have a heart attack.
I petted you and in silently prayed asked God to please help you. And then I whispered the 23 rd psalm and the lords prayer for us both.
As my anxiety was now reaching increasingly terrifying heights I had been moving everything out of the apartment on my own and in the almost 100 degree heat.
Finally after these men left you and maddie calmed down. I didn’t. And still haven’t.
As I have to move everything in by myself later on.
I am sorry to us all and am so glad it is mostly over.
I will be 46 in two days. I will go the store most likely and purchase a regular cake from the counter. As silly as it will look to the baker I will have them write happy birthday meowmmy in icing from max and maddie
LIVING WITH CHRONIC PAIN WITH ANNA AND MAX 